no longer waiting alone

I do miss you. still think about you. how you are. the girls. if you are married.

wish it was you. was us. that life interrupted. that we never had. that we were supposed to.

why. why you chose others. said that. why you wanted to hurt me. what part of you needed to do that.

I so deepy loved you. more than anything. I did.

its gone.

hurts. even still. differently. when I think and feel and remember - what I think it should be. when I remember how I felt.

there is no way through. no happy ending.

I really did love you. really - which is to say I didn’t love before. and haven’t loved. a qualifier. finality.

trying has never been the problem. it was His will that I loved you.

that path is fully grown over. know I wont travel it again. even when I have the chance, I tend the weeds and vines, and pictures of our path, to keep it closed.

Trust that there is a reason why. why i wasn’t enough. even when i absolutely was. and is. and you made a mistake.

that my first. my only. my last - was not to keep. to scar over.

that while you chose to no longer wait alone - and to choose to hurt me with those words. that sting changed me. that pain became the default. in a part of me that always whispered I was never enough. that drove me to be all the things I was. a sting that took over. a control. a judgement. a mocking - from the only one that could quiet the the whisper. an enjoyment - a shaming even - that you wanted me to feel.

“intention”.

I chose alone - you took that want in me. . and I force my way out of everything that isn’t you.

and even when I still love you. still look for you. in that fraction of a sliver of a glimpse of the moment I allow my heart to imagine what id say. to see your smile. to hear your voice. your laugh. what seeing you would be like.

I know I can handle it. that its not a good idea.

that as closed off as I am. as overgrown and hidden the trail. the me I hate and love would open right back up.

that you’re not the woman you were. and i’m not the man I was. and that it wasn’t patient. or kind. that it envied. was boastful. and proud.

that you are gone. but you never left. that while the wound of you remains. more so, your soul. your heart. your love. brought together with mine. created something amazing. something good.

it was meant for us.

sad. disappointed. frustrated.

looking back. I am even more confident now in what we had.

maybe im wrong. it doesn’t feel like it. because im not.

and knowing that I did love you. that I do love you. and that I always will. and that I always keep my promises.

unyielding. to you. to all of it.